


Dark Lord of the Sith A+ parenting

by EustaceS



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Dark!Luke, Fluff and Crack, I am your father so is he, M/M, Piett has past as paid company, The Sith code bastardized, bad puns here and there, loth cat ownership, old married Sith couple with domestic tendencies, the empire wins AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9400958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EustaceS/pseuds/EustaceS
Summary: If somebody told Luke, that the Emperor would try to protect him the manner of jumping in front of him to stop furious Vader. He would consider such person insane and recommend institutional help.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [th3rm0pyl43](https://archiveofourown.org/users/th3rm0pyl43/gifts).



The force lighting cut the air and slammed into  the young Jedi and effectively sending him to the ground. The screams filled the room as Skywalker was convulsing under the electric charge. The Emperor considered it as fitting for already discussed policy of “join or die thing”. There was nothing wrong to enjoy himself here and there, but obviously his entertainment was cut short by powerful grab and pull on his robe and a booming voice rang in his ears.

 

“Stop it, you are killing him. That wasn't  in the plan. So cut it!  We will persuade him in different manner,” Darth Vader picked the squirming Emperor and put him aside, while carefully avoiding the residual electric charge.

 

“I was not killing him. I was proving my point,” the ruffled answer came out with slight annoyance of somebody, whose fun was cut short.

 

“Really? And what about yours “now young Skywalker, you will die” . We discussed it, that there would be no killing and you will not frying him… much.” The plan was discussed about turning Luke to the dark side and it definitely not included toasting him to the charcoal or limbs cutting. The latter failed, but it was minor complications.

 

“I got carried away a bit, while demonstrating the practical power of the dark side. I am sorry my dear,” the Emperor screeched and starting to smooth his wrinkled robes.

 

Yoda prepared Luke Skywalker  to face the evil of the dark side, but he didn't prepare him for hearing the most vile creature in the galaxy, the embodied of the dark side and the scourge of the Jedi, saying sorry to Lord Vader, who happened to be his father. He was told that Vader killed his father and yet his father was alive. Luke slowly pulled himself up and looked at the pair of Sith Lords, who were engaged in the most surreal discussion he had ever heard.

 

“It is easy to get carried away. He was behaving like brat,” the baritone distorted by respirator replied to rather sheepishly looking Emperor.

 

“He had no chance to learn otherwise. Look, he was kidnapped by that lowlife Kenobi, stuck on Tattooine with him and after it he went to …” The Emperor paused for the moment and Luke felt the gentle mind probing “to Yoda, the mush brain. Plus you ran over him like AT-AT and cut off his hand. How should he be sure about your sincerity of good parenting, while you cut his hand? And froze his friend in carbonite. Did you tell him that deep kissing of his own sister is a bit eccentric even for the most libertine Sith?” He was interrupted by very angry sounding Darth Vader.

 

“He kissed his sister and you are telling me that so casually. I will kill him,” he turned to face Luke, who was looking at them like they were playing powerball.  

 

“Vader, calm down, the no killing policy.” The Emperor stepped between young Jedi and very angry Vader “ Look he did not know back then and it was his first kiss, would you be rather if it was Kenobi, or that smuggler who is currently dating your daughter?”  

 

The reasoning didn't help and the fuming and imminent danger to Luke well being was still on programme.

 

If somebody told Luke, that the Emperor would try to protect him the manner of jumping in front of him to stop furious Vader. He would consider such person insane and recommend institutional help.

 

“I didn't know that she is my sister back then,” he said with strangled voice in the attempt of self preservation. Luke had no idea, how would fragile looking Emperor stop the huge bulk of Darth Vader.

 

“He was innocent in it and you should tell him about flower and bees or the chastity vow of Jedi order,” the force push managed to keep Vader in safe distance.  “For kriff sake! Vader he is now full of conflicted emotions and your sudden parental attempt connected with homicidal tendencies is not helping it.”  The Dark Lord was stopped in mid move by the Emperor's powers.

 

“Don't use cuss words in front of children!” He said but his voice seemed great deal calmer.

 

“I don't want to interrupt you,” Luke decided to be brave and had strange feeling that he was lied all along by everybody and only truth he received from the duo of strangely acting Sith lords.” I am not child and what about your words father ‘ we will be ruling galaxy as father and son’ “ He would made them fight together and evil would root out evil, but he was not so sure, what was evil anymore.

 

The Siths turned to him and made something which resembled collective sight.

 

“ Son, it was ‘ fathers and son’ at the first place.  Plus killing Sheev, I mean his majesty, was figure of speech. He is used to our Yoda and having kid would be straining,” Vader’s explanation didn't help the matter.

 

“Yoda? “ Luke felt that situation spiralled out of any control.

 

“Yes, our mean loth cat. He is old and grumpy but care for him,” Luke got the reply, which was not helping the situation at all, especially when his father was casually pointing out the loth cat coownership with nobody else but the Emperor, who was speaking in meantime into the comlink and giving the fleet admiral the free hand to destroy the Alliance ships.

 

“Your loth cat” Luke repeated dumbly and added with hint of hysteria in his voice. “And now you will tell me that you are married together for decades and trying for adoption.”

 

“Look, he is smart,” Vader’s voice was full of pride. “ I was trying to tell you that at Bespin but before I can you jumped into that shaft.”

 

“Smart or not, do not blame him he had only one hand plus your methods are hardly subtle. One shock was enough and I am not meaning, that physical trauma was enough,” the Emperor chided “ you told him, that you are his father and hinted  you are little bit onto the pink side, which goes against the Jedi chastity nonsense. You didn't known what Kenobi and Yoda told him.”

 

“You are right. I had enough of Kenobi’ s and Jedi nonsenses, when I was with Padme. Luke are you alright you look pale?” The concerned voice of lord Vader sounded pretty menacing.

 

“I need to sit down a bit, “ Luke whispered and was grabbed by the Emperor and dumped on the only available e place for sitting which happened to be throne.

 

“It will pass, dear Skywalker, just search your feelings and let it go, let it go,” the voice of the ultimate evil in the galaxy sounded like elderly concerned gentleman, who really cared about Luke's well being. Luke found it scary and tried to not feel fear, which meant dark side according to Yoda and his teachings.

 

“Do you know that you have your mother nose and chin?  So back to the dark side business and jedi stuff,” the glass of water flew into young Jedi’s hands.  “The point is  the general miss concept of the Sith and dark side, which  is that you need hatred to practice it. This is  not true of course. You need more complex feelings connected to certain lifestyle and philosophy, which is based on the emotional stability and using all possible stimuli to enhance your connection to the force. The anger is the most easiest thing, but works only for short time and it is not healthy for longer periods of time being under stress is bad for your health.” The Emperor continued the lecture. “your father was Jedi once, which he considers as quite shameful period of his life for many reasons. However it is on him to tell you not me. Anyway Jedi had vow of chastity and here you are plus your sister so do the maths.”

 

Luke made the math and felt sick “ You corrupted my father!” He exclaimed it was clear that the Emperor was behind fall of his father to the darkness.

 

“For force sake Skywalker, do you take me for what some kind of pervert? I just showed him alternative, how to be able to marry your mother officially and having family which was quite pressing matter due her pregnancy. I covered for them and making sure, that Jedi scum would not interfere. Padme was a lady, you little wimp. She deserved the best. And Anakin was the best for her. They were happy, you moron, until that Kenobi kriffing bastard started to meddle in and pointed the whole Jedi council on them. Did your precious Kenobi tell you, he was cause of your mother s death? That he kicked Vader into the lava and leaving him to die in the most horrible way? “  the lightning was around Emperor ‘ s fingers as his voice was rising.

 

“ Those bunch of hypocrites and loathsome children molesters and kidnapers were cause of many tragedies over  the millennia. I had one goal to get rid of them for good.  Did you know that Sith training requires you to give consent, when you are able to grasp the seriousness of it? And we do not take children! There are lot of things, you were not told about.”

 

The fury was in the air and this time it was lord Vader who was trying to calm down obviously very agitated Emperor. Vader put his hand his shoulder and gently squeezed it.

 

“Jedi are gone for good. I made peace with things and killed Kenobi for good,” he turned to face Luke, who looked great deal greenish than before.

 

“The point is, if you join us, we will support you as fathers but do not piss him off too much, “ he made squeezed the shoulder under the robe “ or it will get you all crispy”

 

“That hurts,” the complaint was made but the calming effect of the gesture was clear.  

 

“You are telling me, I will have two dads, who for some strange reasons have not murdered each other yet and happens to be Sith lords living in domestic bliss with loth cat included and even if I make up with my sister you will still care?” Luke asked and his voice was a bit trembling with slight anxiety.

 

“We hope that you will not make out with your sister, but you are two adults and if consented well it can't be helped,” he got reply followed by yelp as Vader’ s hand made rather hard squeeze on the abused shoulder. “ But Skywalker I would look rather on different objects then in your family if you get me. The first girl who kissed you is not meant for together forever”

 

Luke Skywalker found out hard way, that master Yoda was right about not so many things. He was not prepared for this podoo storm. Facing two obviously concerned darksiders, who were looking now more like nice gay uncles from the local friendly neighborhood then the tyrant and his enforcer.Sith lords  weren't  making situation easier.  

 

“What will you do now?” He asked tiredly those two probably both were grinning, but it was hard to tell because of Vader ‘ s mask.

 

“ We will wait for the battle results and then start the peace talk with the rebellious planets and dismantle Death Star as gesture of goodwill and new better future or something like that. I costs money and efficiency is questionable. Plus it will look good and give us certain political advantage,”  the Emperor said and rubbed his abused shoulder.

 

“I liked the original Death Star better...the parties there were something...do you remember, when Tarkin decided to…” Darth Vader still remember the after party, which was held after opening ceremony.

 

“Lord Vader...I suggest you to not mention that ever! We will be helding the victory ceremony and celebration, which can end on your SSD. I heard that your Admiral is pretty wild!” The Emperor tried not to think about Tarkin and the table dance he performed dressed only in the Death Star artillery's helmet.  The certain insane amount of alcoholic beverage had to be blamed.

 

“Admiral Piett? The  little smart thing and better than your twelve morons...maybe except Thrawn. Piet is from Axxila and you know what is Axxila famous for...mercenaries and whores. The Admiral is too tiny to  be mercenary,” Lord Vader was perfectly aware of ISB materials on his underlings.

 

“Oh my … this is not information I want to know Anakin, really” said the Emperor and turned to Luke Skywalker “You will not try to ...hire hooker on the afterparty!”

 

“Hooker? Why should I hire a hooker?” Luke wanted to scream or roll on the ground or both. The dark side should be all about fear and suffering, which was far from this situation of utter shock and disbelievement.

 

“There will be one hooker on afterparty...and my Admiral should be respectable and I have a plan to marry my Admiral off,”  The jokes about SSD Executor being a brothel on move were annoying.

 

“Good, good,” said the Emperor.

 

“I will not hire a hooker! Especially when I will be there with you two,” Luke had enough. His father should not be bad if he was owning loth cat and tried to make his Admiral respectable lady. Afterall women should not be selling their bodies for money in desperation.

 

“If you want ...It is better than kissing your sister...my Admiral is good in whatever …” lord Vader said and the Emperor didn't look very amused.

 

“How do you know that?” He asked darkly.

 

“I saw my Admiral in action with…”the booming baritone sounded amused.

 

“Look father and mother, I do not want to know anything about hookers and especially, where and when you see her doing her stuff and with whom!”  Luke sighed and decided to go with the flow. He had only aunt and uncle, who were somehow nice to him. Old Ben Kenobi lied to him and Yoda was little green prick. His father on the other hand didn't lie to him and showed him that there were other options. He would ask about the hooker later.

 

The Sith lords froze and looked at him. The debate about questionable morals of the Death Squadron Admiral was forgotten and the surprise was hitting Luke in waves.

 

“If Darth Vader is my father...then your imperial majesty...should be called my mother...or something,” he said and offered somehow peace and acceptance of the ways of the dark side.

 

“Young Skywalker and you should be called moron! Son!” The Emperor sighed and looked at Vader “Could you please explain to our son, that not everybody who wears robes is female and generalisation of the clothing style with gender is very insensitive!”

 

“Luke, he wears the robes that is true..but he is male, so father will be better,” Vader corrected him and continued lecture, which would put most scholars of gender studies in shame.

 

“I am sorry, your majesty I get it... I get it,” Luke pleaded and in order to stop the explanation why gender should not be tied to the biology and about misconceptions tied to same gender couples.

 

“Vader that is enough...really enough,” the Emperor knew about secret activism of Vader's on this matter and even funding the gender studies faculty at University of Coruscant.

 

“Father please…” Luke pleaded and the Emperor patted his hand soothingly, which made Luke nearly jumped off the throne.

 

“It is fine young Skywalker but next time avoid bad puns on genders or use the prejudice against the minorities. He takes it really personally and you will be lectured thoughtfully about it. Believe me, I know that from my own personal experience! He called me bigot more than once!” The Emperor checked his pad and the reports about battle were promising. The rebel team on Endor was neutralized. The Organa girl and their friends caught alive. The Imperial fleet tore through the rebels and moff Jerrjerod was showing skills beyond capability of the Death Star. Everything was proceeding as was foreseen.

 

“They say, that you are racist...your majesty,father ” Luke was pushing it but Alliance founding was also based on premise of the imperial racism.

 

“Me? No, for the Force sake. It is cheaper to have the predominantly human crews that is all. We have lot of non humans in military and Navy. Vader, can you please add some lecture, why racism is bad?” His majesty was typical Sith lord, he liked to torment his victims.

 

“NOOOOOOOOO,” Luke screamed and jumped from the throne “Father please help me.”

 

Lord Vader and the Emperor exchanged looks.

 

“I mean you,” Luke pointed at the Emperor “ I would not make it through another lecture! And please if you decided to take me as your apprentice...please I want you as teacher not him...unless pain and intellectual suffering is must for the mastering of the Dark side!”

 

“Luke,” Darth Vader pulled the former Jedi into bear hug. His son finally understood and Vader was looking forward to listening Sith teaching. The first step was already made by Luke himself. He stretched the hand for the collective hug with very enthusiastic Emperor.

 

“Is hugging normal? I mean for Sith?” Luke definitely had feeling of great misunderstanding of the dark side and perhaps if he explains it to Leia, his sister would join them.

 

“The family thing young Skywalker. Why should not be in privacy? On outside we must maintain certain image of the supreme ruler and his enforcer. I hate black by the way, but it has slimming effect“  the Emperor answered Luke's question and untangled from them. The data pad was vibrating with urgent message. “If you excuse me gentlemen, I have an empire to rule.”

 

“How could you assume that Luke identify as male?” Vader asked with vary tone.

 

“Father, male definitely male with unsure approach to ...for the Force sake only woman I kissed was my sister!” Luke tried to stop another debate, which would cause long lecture and feeling of internal displacement.

   

“Young Skywalker and my dearest we...won!” The voice screeched with the happiness and the electricity ran around the Emperor's fingertips.

 

“Congratulation...ehm father and Luke will do better, “ the young Sith apprentice looked at Vader and gave him thumbs up and whispered “ Will you give me contact on that hooker?”

 

“No!” Vader said slight horror in his voice.

 

“What no?” His majesty asked and pressed the button to receive call from SSD Executor. The Admiral was about to formally report the results of the battle.

 

“That hooker! ” Vader voice boomed and the hologram of Admiral Piett showed a great deal of flinching.

 

“Oh that...yes, well no my young apprentice...no hookers...I presume Admiral you are fully booked anyway?” The Emperor asked and hoped that Admiral was not standing on the bridge while reporting the results.

 

“My….ehm...I… nothing which I ...well …” Admiral Piett wanted to die in the blaze of fire as the bridge personnel  sniggered and credits were exchanged.

 

“He is not a lady!” Luke exclaimed and got looks from the Sith lords as well from the holographic image.

 

“My apprentice, this is Admiral Firmus Piett, one of the most capable naval officer in Imperial Navy” The Emperor said and hologram nearly swooned after those words and the bridge of SSD Executor went silent “but also had very interesting past...and we want to make him respectable”

 

“Respectable?” The Admiral was now showing positive sign of nervous breakdown.

 

“Of course...we all know you are sneaking after that beefy army general and I saw them in AT-AT cockpit doing “THE inspection” in the night cycle...several times in past year. I also asked the ISB to run the check on their accounts and no credits were exchanged! It is clear, what it means. They are dating!”  Lord Vader stated and the typical “good, good” from the Emperor made the situation even more awkward for poor Admiral and his crew, who started another round of the credit exchange for the won bets.  

 

“You used the secret service on ...that?” Luke said with disbelieve and felt compassion to the officer, whose private life was discussed not so privately.

 

“Yes, why not? He is fine and good in his job. I should be only cause of his distress not some muttonhead of an Army General, who should step out and be a man and ask for marriage or ..” the well known gesture was made with fingers indicated imminent choking of the loathsome army man, who dared to lay his paws on the naval afterburners.

 

“This will be romantic, plus the propaganda...thing...the marriage of Hero of Endor. I can see the news and we can give them the loth kitty as one of the gifts too” The Emperor added dreamily. The Empire needed good stories for propaganda and this would be perfect.  

 

“What if ...if he says no?” Admiral tried his luck and seriously contemplating to defect to the tattered remains of Rebel Alliance.

 

“No is not an option!” The fifth voice was heard and Luke noticed that somebody obviously far more bigger grabbed poor naval officer around his waist and pulled him up in bridal manner.

 

“MAAX, GENERAL let me down ...you moron, you berk you …” The small Admiral was making valiant protests and great deal of squirming.

 

“You may proceed General Veers and do not trash him too much before reception, I expect full report in ...hour, wait make it in two hours and congratulation to you both,” His majesty rubbed his hands together gleefully and switched of the call.

 

Luke mentally crossed the hooker option out.

 

“That was romantic, Sheev, “ his father voice sounded very sentimental.

 

“The kitty will do them good,” The Emperor nodded “ and I hope you will not choke any of them ...too soon!”

 

“I choke only morons and rebels and that janitor who spilled Yoda’s water bowl… and almost director Krennic because it was fun,”  the ruffled reply was soothed by patt on his arm.

 

“Gentlemen brace yourself the celebrations are coming, “ the Emperor touched the button.

 

The bunch of royal guards filled the throne room and the victory celebration were scheduled. The next hours were dedicated in to the mopping after battle and various things related to the state were performed.

 

* * *

 

His majesty was enormously busy and he ended with Luke standing on the balcony observing the speech and the first reception, which was stuffy and full of imperial personnel and some courtiers. He sensed the utter boredom from the Emperor, who was obviously suffering it through.

 

“Father, should we help him?” He asked Vader who was furiously typing on his datapad.

 

“He wanted to to be the Emperor, supreme ruler and all that nonsense...if he stayed being Naboo senator things would be different. Let him suffer...he will be a great deal calmer when tired,” Lord Vader finished the instruction for the Admiral and his personal ship would take them back to Coruscant for the continuation of the festivities and perhaps they would managed to convince Leia to join them, if not there were always option to lock her somewhere with that smuggler of hers and making little grandchildren in the process.

 

Luke Skywalker, the Sith apprentice, was trying to look like proper Dark Side practitioner next to his father.

 

“Are you alright Luke?” the worry was clear in his voice, perhaps it was the lunch he had with the Emperor, who knew.

 

“Yes, why?” Luke asked with surprise.

 

“The fresher' is that way. Perhaps it was the fruit...it can be nasty if you ate too much of it..you know,” It was the fruit. It had to be the fruit for sure, otherwise Luke would not show such face.

 

“No, I am ...wait why…? I try to look like proper Sith and I do not need to go…”  Luke tried to defend himself.

 

 “Well, Luke no...just try to behave like you are used to. I mean there is the protocol around the court you must to maintain and some rules for navy and military. But you will have Sith advisor position, which would be similar to mine in the commanding structure which is basically….” Darth Vader felt duty to explain everything to his son and made it up for the lost years. Luke made mental note not to provoke his father into any kind of lectures. The hour of an explanation of a various structures in the Empire got him drained and he  fled to the fresher' claiming to be hit by the fruit effect.

 

* * *

 

They were almost late to board the Emperor's personal shuttle and Luke wanted to dig himself to the depths of the battle station, when his father booming voice announced that it was fruit thing, which Luke ate, was causing the delay.

 

 The Emperor was in very good mood sitting between lord Vader, who had his huge prosthetic hand on his knee and Luke, who pretended to not see the parents cuddling. His majesty put his over the Vader’s paw and his pale fingers entwined with the black ones.

 

The plan really proceeded as he had foreseen.

 

End

 

   

   

  


**Author's Note:**

> Big Thank you for my beta th3rm0pyl43 :D


End file.
